For the gala dinner there is no specific dress code although again jeans and shorts should be avoided out of preference! Of course, if you feel  like putting on your gladrags, that would be very acceptable.

Hee, gladrags! That is a bizarre word.

I never quite understood the bit in Crocodile Dundee where he's saying hello to people in New York and they're all amazed. I've found that it's more the opposite.

I have to say that I was startled to be at a London pub and find it closed at midnight. That's awfully early for me.

Subject: Mongolian culture... EXPLODES! 

          I’ve learned a few things about Mongolia that haven’t quite changed my life just yet, but I just know they’re waiting just below the surface to explode into a life-altering montage set to a song by Christina Aguilera.  Until then I’ll have to wait to learn that the power of the human spirit and a well-timed makeover can overcome all obstacles.  For now, these are the things that Mongolia has taught me about how to survive in this world:
         
          I’ve learned that ‘tomorrow’ is really a fictional time-construction and has no actual meaning in this world.  If tomorrow ever actually does happen in Mongolia, so many things will occur that there will actually be nothing left in the entire universe for anyone else to do, and Mongolia itself will be so completely overloaded by the sheer volume of new things that appear that it will sink into the earth.  Here’s a list of things that will arrive tomorrow juxtaposed with a fanciful little story I like to call actual time I’ve been waiting:

          Wood for my canvas (two weeks)

          A water cart (three weeks)

          A faucet for my radiator (a week and a half)

          Sheets for my bed (a month)

          (note, all of these things have been said to be arriving tomorrow no less than 5 times)

Also, the word “now” can mean anywhere from 7 hours, to 30 days to never (usually never).  Short list of things now doesn’t mean: now.



          I’ve also learned that it’s better to say that someone was ‘slaughtered’ (like an animal) than that they died.  This isn’t really funny, but really kind of weird.  If that bothers you, you can say that they “became a Buddha” but I think that’s a little presumptuous.



          I’ve also learned that there is no time that it is inappropriate to be drunk.  With some, there’s actually no time that it’s appropriate to not be drunk.  Number of times I’ve been almost forcibly pulled to a bar before 10 AM on a weekday: 3.  Also, getting drunk with an American is like running into a leprechaun at the end of the rainbow and having him ask you to hold his pot of gold while he makes you chocolate-chip pancakes.  I don’t know why this is, but I’ve never had to turn down drinks due to sheer volume until I came here.  Oh, and the best way to start a trip at 9 AM is to take two shots of vodka.  It hurts just remembering it.

         

          If two pregnant women hug, their babies exchange gender.  Now, this doesn’t seem like it would be that helpful, unless you have the ability to tell what gender someone’s baby is by looking at it and make pregnant women hug each other.  Actually, I’m not really sure what this would gain you either.



Before coming here, my first thought upon getting sick was that I had to be very careful not to get urine in my eye.  I realize now how stupid and crazy that was.  Unless, of course, it wasn’t the right kind of urine and that it was supposed to go somewhere other than my eye.  Depending on what kind of sickness, you’re supposed to rub urine from as many sources as your mother, your daughter, a cow, a horse, yourself, or basically anything that produces urine in as many places as your stomach, your mouth, your eye, your ear or basically anywhere that can possibly accept urine.  If you don’t relish the idea of rubbing urine on yourself, sometimes it’s ok (or required) to drink it.  Now, I know, this might sound crazy.  But what if I told you that the diagnosis for crazy is to rub a half liter of fox urine on your forehead.  I’m no urinologist, but that sound you’re hearing is the flimsy house of cards against the power of urine you built crashing to the ground.  Checkmate, established science.



          Sometimes it’s appropriate to give someone a box full of cow manure.  I always left this option open for myself in the past, but before coming to Mongolia I never had a real reason to do it.  Apparently, if you go to a pregnant woman’s house and she thinks she’s getting a gift, but you don’t give her one, she’ll get sick.  In order to scare the sickness out of her, you have to give her a box of crap, and then afterwards a real gift (candy or something).  A PC volunteer this year actually had to do this.  So many people are getting urine and feces as gifts when I get home.



          That sometimes it’s necessary to name your child “Bad Dog” or “Ugly Rock” or, I don’t know “Poorly-built House.”  Whatever, something bad.  Upon naming them this, you should tell them every day how ugly they are.  Apparently, (and it’s not bad parenting, which is what I thought at first) this keeps evil spirits away from sickly children.  After they aren’t sickly, they get a real name (most of the names here are actually pretty nice, like “Purity of Mind” or “Sunflower” or “New Decoration”).  So those of you who have heard of having children and think it might not be the worst idea in the world, consider calling them “Crapface” (that’s actually one of them, I nearly wet my pants).



          It’s impossible to simultaneously be a good person and be bad at sports.  Well, that might not be true, but everyone will be too busy talking about how bad you are at sports to consider whether this is the case.  On the other hand, even if you’re a professional puppy and kitten assassin wearing a coat made of human babies, but you’re good at sports, there’s a reasonable chance you might be made of King of Mongolia.  Good thing I’m pretty good at basketball and volleyball.  Oh, and if you even once looked at a picture of a person who was fat or heard someone tell a story that featured a fat person, you’re probably fat.  Tough, but fair.



          If you can successfully open a bandaid package, you’re probably a doctor.  This is entirely fine, unless you’re one of the .01% of the population who can open a package without having gone to medical school for 8 years.  I gave my host sister one bandaid and was then put in charge of making sure everyone in Mongolia didn’t die.  And the answer to every possible illness (after bathing in or drinking urine) is medicine.  In fact, even if you aren’t sick, it’s probably better if you take four or five antibiotics just in case.  And if you aren’t hungry, it means you need to go to the hospital immediately.



          Babies should be wrapped up loosely enough that they can breathe, but not so loose that they get enough air that they don’t perpetually sleep.  You’d have to see it to believe it, but it’s basically like holding a football.  And if you don’t want to hold football-baby, you’re a bad father and probably bad at sports too (see above).



          That’s more than enough to get through life, so I’ll just end this with a list of things that will cause the world to end:



          Hanging your underwear outside to dry

          Whistling inside

          Putting books on the floor

          Cutting the air with scissors

          Twirling your key

          Standing in the threshold

          Ever refusing anything anyone ever wants you to do (note, if you tell them you’ll do it tomorrow, you’re usually fine)

          Not drinking vodka when it’s offered to you, irrespective of time or location

          Walking under things (I’m still not sure what’s ok to walk under and what’s not)

          Taking things with your left hand

          Offering things with your left hand

          Being left handed

          It’s probably ok to have a left hand, but I bet if you lost it in a war defending right-handed people everywhere, you’d be some kind of hero

          Living alone

          Not eating meat (I didn’t realize what a dangerous agent of destruction I was until I came here)



That’s not all of it, but it’s enough.  So, if you’re doing any of those things, thanks for ruining the world for the rest of us, Captain Evil.

          This might be too negative even for me, but all of these things are actually true.  If I was a good person, I’d probably make a list of all the good things that I’ve learned and send an email full of flowery sentiments and pictures of unicorns I drew, but I’m not (see football-baby, above).  So, in case you’re worried that I’m over here “helping starving underprivileged babies or some shit” as Scott put it, know that instead I catalogue all of the faults of the country I’m in and then write them down.  I like to call it saving the world.

I’m no urinologist, but that sound you’re hearing is the flimsy house of cards against the power of urine you built crashing to the ground.  Checkmate, established science.

Shouldn't they reward me? - after all, they're making a mint with the money I'm generously allowing them to play with.

I'm not aware of any phone plans here which charge to receive calls or count it against your total. Mind you, I do pay-as-you-go.

The only thing that makes up for having to pay to receive cell phone calls in North America (whether you're using up 'free' minutes or actually paying) is that to make a call from a landline to a cell phone, providing you're in the same area code, doesn't cost anything.